Reflection of A Light

And there came, the reflection of a light. It was something so attracting...it was the only thing I could see from the darkness I have been on, and as I approached it, stretching my hand for it, perhaps, a little too much, I stopped in shock to see, that the light that flickered so bright, was me. It wasn't any light trick or so, it was just the simple truth that, the only thing that could help me out was me, and only me. And as I realized that, a second after, the light died, and once again, it was dark.

I have loved a lot of people, in different aspects, on various angles. There goes the filial, the friendly, and of course, the romantic type of love. And never have I had regrets on having these kinds of love, felt and let go. And right now, I am not happy to say that I am in love.

I don't blame anyone for this reason, not especially her, who is the very reason why I am drowning in my own melancholy right now. I have always liked her, ever since I have laid my eyes on her, ever since that day the she had made me laugh, and that I head her laugh too, for the first time. I could remember telling a friend that the most precious diamond I had was the memory of her laughter. It may sound so mushy, or "corny" even, but what can I say? In my heart, that was a reality. Not a fantasy that most broken-hearted persons claim. I didn't know that I was to fall so hard, and I didn't know that what I was doing was something so hopeless, so sad...so tiring, yet, even so, I didn't stop, I never did. I may have told others I had, but I never did...not even a split second. I might have said another person's name sweetly, but her name was still the sweetest that I have said.

And then we became close...and I knew, I have lost my quest. All I could do now was to cheer for her, as she fulfills her own quest of love, of friendship, of everything. I was the one at her back, someone she could run to when no one, at the moment, cares. I will be the only one who will care most, and probably always. I am, after all, the last resort. The most eager to comfort her, yet the very last to do so, when her tears are already dried up, and when a small smile is already etched on her face. It's sad to say so, really, but that is all I can do. That is my limit. That is my line. My sole role in her life. But I'm glad I could play it, and till the end, till she tells me to stop, I will.

I will be the outstretched hand for hear to reach when she likes to, and then, I will also be the hand that she will let go once she got up on her feet. But hey, I'm not complaining. I'm only a friend. I can never, ever burden her with my feelings. The thought of her crying will only put me to tears.

I admire her for the fact that even if her world is dark at the moment, she can easily still give smiles to anyone who wants her company. Even to me. I guess, even though she was never mine, I'm still the luckiest person alive, to have someone so special like her, of course, for a friend.

"Ang nagsindi nitong ilaw, walang iba, kung di ikaw."

I guess, I will always be the one to be left on the dark, and that, all I have to be happy, is myself. All I have is myself, and I even think, that at this moment, even myself is gone. I just hope I can still take this, I just hope, that everytime you see me, I can still give you a smile, and an assurance, that, dear friend, I haven't fallen for you, even if I already did. Hard at that.

And the light flickered once more, and as I opened my eyes, slowly, tears fell from my eyes. The light wasn't me, nor was it you.

It wasn't anyone, not anything...


...

Nausea >.>

Darn. I'm not feeling any better at all. I'm actually supposed to be having my rest right now, actually. Yet, here I am, in front of the computer, perhaps even having a staring contest with it, thinking of the different arguments I can actually bash my opponents with in the upcoming Debate Tournament on November 17, 2009. And guess what day it is? November 15. Great isn't it? I'm really gonna get it. And to think that I was actually telling myself just few days ago that I would be serious about this debate thingy. Well. Actually, I am. But, I kind of lost heart when I saw how much I still have to go, yet the end is drawing near. :| This is shit.

The real catch here is, actually, I am so damn pressured right now. I don't even know what to do, or what to say anymore. All I know is that once I fail this debate thingy, it sure is gonna be hell for the three of us. I could already imagine the eyes of my classmates. Those eyes of disappointment and regret in their decisions of having us as their representative. I just don't want that to happen. I really need to make this work. But how can I? How can I? A simple girl who's already having nervous breakdowns for simply a tune up. Take note, a tune up. Not yet the real thing.

I'd punch anyone right now who'll say my problem is just a piece of cake. First of all, it's not. VERY not. Why? Because I really need to win this thing, because if I don't, first, all our grades will be affected, second, if my grades were affected, and I will not be able to regain my position as rank 1 in class, then third, I might not be able to study in my dream school for college. THAT my friend, is my situation right now. I simply have no choice but to do this, or else, every dream I harbored since I was little would disappear into thin air, like they were never even made. It saddens me to think of this, and the conditions that have been presented to me, but what can I do? I am merely a girl who is dependent on her parents in every aspect of like. Well, not emotionally maybe, and spiritually, of course, but the rest? It's all theirs. I can't even take a hold of my life.

...